Approximations
I'm Molly. I'm always on the hunt for the most frosted Mini-Wheat. These are my best interpretations of what's going on, in general.
April222012
“Adolescence is best enjoyed without self-consciousness, but self-consciousness, unfortunately, is its leading symptom. Even when something important happens to you, even when your heart’s getting crushed or exalted, even when you’re absorbed in building the foundations of a personality, there comes these moments when you’re aware that what’s happening is not the real story. Unless you actually die, the real story is still ahead of you. This alone, this cruel mixture of consciousness and irrelevance, this built-in hollowness, is enough to account for how pissed off you are.”
― Jonathan Franzen, The Discomfort Zone
April132012
“It’s exhilarating to be alive in a time of awakening consciousness; it can also be confusing, disorienting, and painful.”
—Adrienne Rich, “When We Dead Awaken: Writing As Re-Vision”
1PM
Friday the 13th
I kind of feel like a mess. But a good mess. Something like a kaleidoscope. The pieces inside are weird and mismatched, they don’t make any sense individually, and they’re not particularly pleasant to look at. But when you put them all together, look at them through the right lens, let some light in and give it a spin, you realize that it’s fucking beautiful and, Jesus, nothing like that will ever exist again. Yeah, that’s how I feel.
What’s the benefit of holding it all in, anyway? Am I trying to impress? Someone look at how well-put together I am and compliment me. It’s pretty tiring, keeping up appearances all the time. I think it makes your face sag, or something. Maybe the trick is to fall apart behind closed doors, so at least people think you’re not a total fucking wreck, but you know what’s really rumbling on the inside. Someone has to know. Because you can’t just have meltdowns in public all the time. That’s annoying. But maybe people do appreciate seeing each other vulnerable or exposed from time to one. Humor is probably the best way to let on that you lost a couple of your marbles and aren’t trying very hard to find them. Throw in a fart joke here and there, or wear giant red courdory pants. Let them know you’re human and don’t apologize for exhaling. I think people want to see each other as they truly exist. That’s why it’s THE best to go have a beer with your coworkers; seeing them comfortable, casual, and loud reminds is that we’re all fucking weirdos, and there’s a kinship in that.
Today I resolve to relax. I’ve got this to-do list and it’s haunting me. But that stuff can get done tomorrow, or the next day. It’s Friday the 13th, and I will pause to thank the universe for all the weird stuff that keeps happening to me. Luck has nothing to do with it. I think having a sense of humor about all the strange shit that goes on is what gets you through, and once the universe sees that you’re not so bad, it keeps fucking with you. It’s not malicious, it just thinks you’re probably the best person for all this to happen to. Thank God for perspective.
Here’s to storing pillows in the oven, terrible handwriting and waking up on religious holidays covered in hickeys, consistently. It’s a pleasure to meet ya.
1PM
“I once thought I was capable of murdering him. Today I feel only a mild regret that we were not more civilized with each other at the time. Still, it was amazing, all those explosions, that recklessness, that Technicolor wreckage. Amazing and agonizing and almost lethal.”
— Margaret Atwood, Cat’s Eye
March272012
What a fantastic adventure it is to be 22, single, and living alone in a big city.
March222012
I need a hobby. Everyone else has one. Maybe I’ll copy yours. Great! Problem solved. Let’s meet next Tuesday to paint/sew/collect old books. Afterwards I’ll feel fulfilled and full of direction. I’ll meet lots of new friends, and have interesting things to talk about at dinner. People on the subway will instantly be able to tell that I’m full of creativity and come to me for inspiration. I’ll start a club and win a grant so that I can take my hobby global.
What is a hobby, anyway? Something that people do in their “free time”? I’m not sure what “free time” is, either. There are a lot of problems here. People are too overwhelmed by the responsibilities of their daily lives that they forget to do things simply for the pleasure of them. All time should be “free time”, but alas, modern society wants us to stay occupied at all times. Today I Googled “shit to keep me occupied”. Apparently, there is a commonly accepted list of past-times and hobbies that all people turn to when they’re in the same boat as I am, looking for a way to enrich their “free time”. It is as follows:
-Photography
-Painting
-Cooking lessons
-Gardening
-Shopping
Will this solve my problems? What are my problems? I need a quick answer to the small-talk question “what do you like to do, besides school and work?”. It was a horrifying realization that I couldn’t easily answer this question. I don’t know what I like to do, besides school and work. I like to read? Sometimes I write things. Am I a writer? I think a lot about…everything, but when I use that as an answer to a question about my past-times, it inevitably begs the question “what do you think about?”, and I’m not always interested in telling a new aquaintance my thoughts.
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